What do you need?
by LAIsobel
Summary: Set during and after "100 days". Sam has to face something she wasn't ready to face. Let's start there and we will see where we go from there. Rating can probably be K but I am not sure yet so T to be on the safe side.
1. I need a friend

**A/N** another one just because I feel emotional after this year's Christmas...

 **Timeline** – through and after 100 days episode... perhaps also Shades of Grey. So yeah, probably had been written million times over but sue me...

 **No beta** \- all mistakes are mine... sorry.

 **Chapters...** \- originally one chapter story but I already have one more chapter written so who knows. Ha. Sometimes stories have their own life.

* * *

 **I need a friend**

Sam knew she should take a break but she couldn't. She was exhausted and drained but knew she had to keep working to solve the issue on her hands. One of many to come for sure. Building something like particle accelerator was not easy and she was tired so checking her work for mistakes and wrong calculations and coding problems was getting more and more difficult.

She allowed herself a brief pause. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. She could see his face immediately. Jack O'Neill and his brown eyes looking at her with wonder and joy as they were watching the sky on Edora before all hell broke loose.

It broke tears to her eyes. She didn't know what to do.

Then Janet appeared in her lab and for the first time she admitted to someone that she indeed missed her CO. But the way Janet asked, the way she looked at her spoke volumes. She could tell that it was beyond simple missing her CO. She just couldn't have such conversation with her.

She haven't admitted it even to herself so she wasn't able to admit it all to someone else. And she didn't want to put Janet into that tricky position where she would have to choose if to report it or not. No, this was her fight and she needed to handle this battle on her own.

"Sam..."

"It's okay, Janet. I promise to take a break and have some lunch, okay?"

"Well that would be nice..."

"But...?" Sam asked knowing there was a but in there somewhere.

"But it's almost midnight." Janet said softly.

Sam wasn't paying attention to time or her biological needs. She was focused on her task and everything else went aside.

Janet wanted to add something but understood that it would be pointless. So she left. She was worried about her friend but knew there was nothing to be said or done to help the matters. She knew Sam was stubborn and that she wouldn't stop till the Colonel was back home. She was just worried that the price to pay for that would be too high.

Janet tried talking to Daniel but he didn't have good news. He also tried talking to Sam to make her leave the base and get some fresh air or to take a day or two to regain her strength but he didn't have any luck. She shut him out and continued working on her programming.

"I'm just worried about her, Daniel."

"I know and you're not the only one." He told her.

"I was even thinking about going to the General." Janet admitted. Daniel put down his cup and walked to her. He took her hand and took her further inside his office before saying something.

"No, Janet. You can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because she needs to be here and work on that particle accelerator. She would never forgive you."

"But she's going to destroy herself!"

"No, she's not. We're taking care of her. For now."

"How? Huh? She's locked in her lab, she barely sleeps, barely eats, she hasn't left the base ever since you came back. It's not right, Daniel."

"Look, with Teal'c we make sure she has food. We brings her also fruit and have you met Kathy Krups from the commissary? She noticed and so we had a nice little chat and she always has some fresh smoothie for Sam. We bring her tea and decaf coffee. And when we find her asleep on her chair we take her to her quarters to get some sleep."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know..." Janet sat down, defeated.

"Look, Janet, I know you are worried about her, we all are. But she is stubborn and she had set her mind on bringing Jack home. And she won't stop till he's here. Don't take that away from her. She needs it." And he squeezed her shoulder in reassurance.

Janet looked at him and in that moment she understood – Daniel could see what she could see – the truth about their mutual friend. So she nodded and decided to trust him.

"Okay. But if she get any worse, looses more weight or I hear she passed out from exhaustion, I'm strapping her to bed and giving her strong sedatives so sleeps for a week!" She added and to her surprise Daniel just smiled at her.

"In that case it's gonna be me or Teal'c to bring her to you in the first place." He assured her and she knew he was telling the truth.

Janet left the base feeling bad for Sam. She wasn't sure that her friend realized the true nature of her strong desire to bring her CO home. She truly feared for her.

Of course it was difficult to be her friend when she was the CMO of the base but as she has seen the teams having different dynamics on Earth and off-world she could be a friend and then the CMO and those two didn't have to get mixed.

Sam Carter was still in her lab, she knew that someone had brought her try full of food. She also noticed that over the last few weeks the choice of food has changed. Somebody paid a real attention so she would be getting what her body and mind desperately needed to keep up. She knew she had lost weight and she couldn't even see her own image in mirror without gasping in horror but she couldn't care less.

She looked at the tray again and noticed piece of cake there waiting for her to take the fork and eat it. Instead of that she could no longer hold her tears back and knew she needed to get away from there. She checked her computer – there were 8 hours before the coding would be uploaded so she could afford to leave.

She didn't know where she was going, it was all too new to her suddenly. She changed into her civvies and left the base, driving away. It was probably morning as the sun was coming up. Sam drove and drove and suddenly found herself by cemetery. She killed the engine and entered the gate then. It took her about two hours of silent walking before she found the grave she was looking for.

Charlie O'Neill.

She collapsed in front of the gravestone and cried silently for almost half an hour. She was so spent and yet she knew she had to go back to the base to continue.

Before she could leave there were footsteps behind her. She got up and turned around to see Sarah O'Neill standing there watching her.

"Ehm... hi." Sam said wiping her eyes with the back of her hands.

"Hello... " Sarah replied not really understanding.

"I'm sorry, I'll leave you here." Sam said and wanted to go but Sarah stopped her.

"Wait... please. I... do I know you? You seem familiar. Do you work with Jack?"

"Yes, I do. I'm Samantha Carter. We met briefly in the hospital..."

"Oh yes, I remember you. Hi." And she actually smiled.

"Hi." Sam replied.

"Is something wrong?" Sarah asked and looked at Sam, noticing how tired and sad she looked.

"No. Yes. Well I don't know, I'm sorry."

"Did Jack send you here?"

"No, he doesn't know I am here. He... ehm..."

"Is he... did he...?" And Sarah couldn't even finish that sentence. She suddenly looked very worried.

"No, he's not dead if that is what you're asking. At least we think so. There's been an accident and he had to stay in a very secluded area and we can't establish contact so we don't know anything for certain." Sam tried to describe the situation as best as she could. "We're doing all we can, I promise Mrs. O'Neill."

"Oh, please, call me Sarah."

"All right."

"It's just you look ..."

"Like crap, huh? I know. I've been trying to fix some technical issues and I'm really exhausted. I just want to get him home." Sam told her and before Sarah could ask any more questions, Sam smiled at her sadly.

"I'm sure he'll let you know once he's back. I apologize for worrying you." She added and left before Sarah could say anything.

Sarah watched that woman walk away and something about the way she looked made her wonder about how much she didn't know about her ex-husband's life. Something made this Samantha Carter come here to her son's grave just on the day of his birthday.

Sam sat in her car and couldn't believe what just happened. Did she really go there? And was this the day of his birthday? And did she met Sarah? It was pure coincidence but anyway...

Her phone rang. It was Janet asking her if she could bring her something for breakfast. Sam knew that she had few hours to spare and felt bad about shutting her friend out so she decided to use the time she had the best she could.

"Actually, Janet, I am not on the base right now. I can be over at your place in 40 minutes, is that okay?"

"Sure it's okay." Janet replied, surprised.

Sam hung up the phone and drove over to her friend's house. Cassie wasn't there, she has already left for school. Janet welcomed Sam and offered her breakfast.

"And don't ask for coffee because you're not getting any." Janet said and Sam actually smiled at her.

"I'll have anything you want me to, Janet." Sam told her and so Janet made pancakes and hot cocoa and fruit salad.

"I make this for Cassie when she needs extra energy or to cheer her up."

"Do I look like I need to cheer up?"

"Don't ask me about how you look, Sam." Janet warned her and Sam understood. They had the breakfast in silence, neither knowing how to start the conversation. Afterwards Sam helped Janet to clean up and while drying one of the plates she finally started.

"I apologize, Janet."

"For what?"

"For not being a good friend, for worrying you, I don't know... everything. I'm not myself now. It's all just so..." And she didn't know how to finish.

Janet looked at her and smiled gently.

"Sam... I know this all is hard on you but you can't go on like this." She tried but Sam immediately shook her head in the no-no-no matter.

"I have to Janet. I have to make it happen, he needs to get home."

"Sam..."

"No! You don't get it. He was left behind. I left him behind!" Sam told her with passion and pain in her voice.

"You think it's your fault?"

"No it's not my fault. I know that. But he doesn't deserve to be left behind again... He can be hurt or even dead and it's just..."

"Again?" Janet was confused.

"Yes..." Sam said sadly.

"Black ops days?" Janet asked after a moment. Sam just nodded. She walked to Janet's couch and sat down. She felt so broken. Janet sat down next to her.

"Sam... is that all?" She asked softly and Sam looked at her with tears in her eyes and that was all confirmation she needed.

"How long?" Janet asked and gave Sam the needed space to tell her.

"I don't know."

"No?"

"No... Well there's always been attraction but that's all. Really. He was just another chauvinistic idiot with too many presumptions about women in the Air Force and I could barely stand him."

"But you became friends." Janet noted.

"Yes, in time."

"And then...?"

"Then there was flirting every now and then... I didn't notice at first but one day I caught myself smiling at something he said and it just all clicked you know."

"Sam..."

"I know it's pathetic okay? I know it."

"I didn't say that... Look, with the job you have you just can't avoid getting close to the people around you. Not here, not on this base. I know it, I see it every day."

"But in my case it's more than that." Sam said and it was barely above whisper.

"Sam..."

"I am not sure when it happened, Janet. One day I just knew."

"And what about him. Does he feel the same way?"

But before Sam could answer her phone rang and so she went over to her jacket to pick it up. It was one of her technicians, she was needed back on the base.

"Sam..."

"Yes?"

"Just tell me what do you need now." Janet said and was serious about it.

"I need a friend, Janet. A real friend."

And Janet just nodded. She understood. Of course Sam had Daniel and Teal'c but having a friend who happened to be a female was crucial in this situation. Of course it would be difficult given their situation but she could handle difficult.

And so she followed Sam to the base and watched her day after day, night after night as she worked on the particle accelerator. It was either her or Daniel or Teal'c, still trying to bring her food to eat or to get her to get some sleep. That was what friends were for.


	2. A miracle would be nice

**A miracle would be nice**

It took them more than three months to finish the accelerator and to find out Teal'c would have to risk his life to get to their friend. Sam looked like a zombie and felt absolutely drained.

When they waited for Teal'c to call them back with news – any news – Sam almost lost it. She was sure it was the end of everything she knew.

It took Teal'c almost 3 days before he could contact them. And when he did there was another voice there – Jack O'Neill's voice. When he asked what the hell took them so long she almost burst into tears right there in the control room. Part of her knew it was a joke but still, it hurt. She couldn't even say a word over the microphone. It was too much.

When they were preparing the mission to get the Edorans safely back home and to bring Jack back to Earth, she was debating whether to go or no. She wasn't sure she could make it. But as expected the General told them all to go to get the last member of their team back home.

Janet was preparing some things to take along to Edora and she noticed how Sam looked. But she couldn't really say nor do anything, she knew. Sam had to face this and there was no way how to avoid it. She only hoped that Colonel O'Neill was well and waiting for his team with open arms. Three months is a long time and anything could have happened there.

Janet was worried because she would hate to see her friend getting hurt. But on the other hand if the Colonel had started a new life there not knowing when – or if – he would be rescued, maybe it would help Sam to move on from this and frankly – that would be best for all of them.

She could have lived with a crush or with the hero-worship thing but this was different, this was deep and it hasn't appeared out of nowhere, it was something that grew and grew and got deeper over time. It was the real thing and it would not be easy to let it go. Sam probably tried to stop herself from feeling this but under the circumstances it was safe to say she failed.

On the other hand if Colonel O'Neill felt the same way he would be very happy to see her and maybe they could find a way how to be happy together, with each other. And they both deserved that, that much was for sure. And if she remembered correctly, he did kiss the alternate reality Samantha so who knew... and it seemed that in every other reality those two were together. But well of course Jack always ended up dead.

Things could never be easy!

When the team went through the Gate and all the Edorans met their families, Sam finally had the courage to leave the area and walk towards the people there. And there he stood, talking to the Edorans, smiling, grinning at them, grinning at Daniel and so she gathered up her courage, put on the brave mask and walked there as well. He noticed her and nodded in her direction.

Before she could say anything he walked away though. To Laira. And he put her hair behind her ear and they talked and smiled and he caressed her face and he hugged her and she kissed his cheek... And Sam's world fell apart.

She felt like a stupid schoolgirl. She was the biggest fool ever. She was so so so stupid for thinking he might have felt the same about her as she did about him. It was obvious he had found a new life there. And it didn't take him that long.

She knew there would be time for analyzing and time for lots of painful tears but now she had other issues in her hands. She had to focus. She had practice luckily.

Daniel said something, she said something, even Teal'c said something and she knew she took part in that conversation but her heart was hammering in her chest and everything was a blur.

But she did what she promised herself she would – she fixed the problem and brought him home.

Jack went for his things and said his goodbyes, they were all waiting for him. In few weeks when things settle down they would come back to study more about the phenomena as originally planned. Now it was time to go home.

Jack stopped next to Daniel and noticed that Carter wouldn't even look him in the eye. She was polite as ever but there was something about her he couldn't decipher. And she looked horrible. He hoped she wasn't sick or something... he would have to talk to her once back home. She did all she could to avoid being with him alone. Something was definitely wrong. She had been like that few times in the past and he never liked it – but he knew he had deserved it back then. But what did he do now? Or was it something else? Did something happen to her? It worried him.

Before he could ask, Daniel smiled at him and asked "So, ready to go home?"

"Dial her up, Danny." Jack said and Daniel did what he was asked to do. And so they all went through the event horizon.

Back on Earth Jack had to go through medical examination and to his dismay the doc wanted a lot of his blood for testing. Well living off-world for three months could lead to that, yeah... He wanted to ask about Carter but Fraiser didn't give him a chance – which meant she knew something but didn't want to tell him. He would have to ask Daniel and Teal'c later.

General Hammond came to see him in the infirmary.

"General, Sir."

"It's good to have you back, son."

"It's good to be back." Jack said.

"I have two briefings scheduled for this afternoon so once you're through your medical I suggest you go home and we meet first thing tomorrow morning." The General said.

"Yes, Sir." Jack answered with a smile.

The General left and Jack was left alone with Teal'c and Daniel. Janet came and told him he was good to go home. He thanked her and she smiled at him. It was good to have him back indeed.

So the three of them left the infirmary.

"So, you didn't sell my house, did you?" Jack asked worried.

"No, Jack, we didn't. Your keys are in your locker and you can really go home." Daniel told him and Jack sensed that there was something going on...

"It's gonna be a mess..."

"No, it's okay. You know Elena Winterbottom? She lives across the street, charming old lady. She took care of your post as your postman is a cousin of her friend's son-in-law."

"What?!"

"Your house is taken care of, O'Neill." Teal'c said and Daniel shrugged. Jack nodded at them and actually had to grin. Boy did he miss this!

They continued to walk together through the halls.

"So, what interesting ruins did you find in those three months, Daniel?"

"What do you mean?"

"What? You didn't find any? To what planets did you guys go?" Jack asked surprised.

"Eh..."

"We did not participate in any missions, O'Neill." Teal'c clarified.

"What do you mean?"

"He means, Jack, that we stayed here, on Earth. You were missing so..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Jack, really." Daniel assured him and noticed how Jack visibly relaxed. Daniel stopped Jack by touching his arm.

"You think we would just leave you there and go on with our lives?" He asked a bit hurt.

"I dunno, Daniel. It's been really long so I thought you couldn't get there or..."

"Or what?"

"I wasn't sure you survived it, Daniel. I didn't know if you made it through before the blast. And after three months I was almost sure you didn't make it back or that the Gate was gone."

"You gave up." Daniel accused him. "You moved on." He added.

"Daniel..." Jack tried but Daniel just kept on looking at him. It would take time to fix things...

"You should do some grocery shopping, O'Neill." Teal'c suddenly said, breaking the tension and the silence.

"Good idea, T." Jack said and smiled at his friend and resume walking. When they were waiting for the elevator Jack finally found the courage to ask about Carter. But the elevator arrived and he was greeted by some people, all wishing him luck and telling him how good it was to have him back.

Daniel and Teal'c offered to accompany him and spend the evening with him so he wouldn't be alone but he declined. He actually needed to be alone. So they would meet in the morning and have a team night some other night soon.

And so he was all alone at home thinking about what happened. Did he really give up? Did he loose trust in his team? Did he really move on? And why did he feel guilty so suddenly? He did all he could to survive. And he spent three months worrying about them and praying for them to arrive. In the end he took the opportunity the life presented and tried to settle down. Did he forget them? No. Could he? Never.

And yet he felt like he should ask for forgiveness. And in the same time he felt like he could yell at them and ask them why the hell it took them so long to get him.

He sat down onto his couch and took a look around. Somebody took care of his house indeed. On his way he stopped by at Mrs Winterbottom's to gather his mail. Other stack was sitting on his coffee table. Those were bills, all paid for. He would have to thank Daniel later. When he threw away the junk he noticed a familiar handwriting. Sarah.

Carefully he opened the letter. She was just greeting him, saying she hoped he would get home okay. She was telling him she understood why he couldn't be there to remember their son on the day of his birthday. She asked him to let her know once he's safely back home.

Now that really didn't make sense so he would have to ask Daniel or Hammond what it was about. They told her about it all? What?! Well he would worry about that tomorrow.

He took a shower and noticed the clean sheets in his bedroom. He wished nothing more than to lie down and sleep. He knew it would take time for him to get used to this life again – but honestly he was really happy to be home. He would probably manage to be happy on Edora and perhaps even with Laira but the truth was he wouldn't have been himself. No, he belonged here, to this house and to this life.

Plus Laira was a good woman but she deserved someone to love her with all his heart and he knew he wasn't the right person for that.

Which led him to the one thing bothering him the most. Carter. Just before the meteor shower he was sure he was doomed. He knew he had always been attracted to her later on he knew better. He had a thing for his Second. And that thing turned into something more. Something he should not be feeling at all. He couldn't help it though. And after kissing her alternate reality version he knew it was not just about her being beautiful, no, it was about HER. She was so special.

He was so screwed.

Of course he wouldn't even dare to hope she would feel the same... there were times when he had began to hope a little but always she would retreat – and was right to do so.

And yet back on Edora he was going to sleep night by night with her smiling face in front of his eyes wishing she would smile at him one more time, wishing he would hear her laughter and her voice saying "Sir" in the way only she could, wishing she would punch him the shoulder on one of their team nights after he said something stupid...

He knew he stood no chance and besides as her CO he had no right to even hope but still he cared about her as they were friends and her behaviour today bothered him a lot.

And the way she looked! Something terrible must have happened and people around him knew, at least some of them but they were very reluctant to tell him anything. But he would have to figure it out. Only then he realized that she had disappeared the moment they handed over their weapons by the Gate. She wasn't there waiting for Janet to finish making a pin cushion from him. She wasn't there to talk, she wasn't there when the General arrived, she wasn't there when he was leaving home. And the guys wouldn't even talk about her... What was going on?!

Before he could decide what to do, somebody was at the door. He groaned and went to open.

"General, Sir?" He was confused.

"Hello Jack, do you have a minute? We need to talk." Hammond said and Jack let him in. What came afterwards was not something he would have guessed.

"Absolutely no, Sir."

"Jack..."

"No. I just got back. My team needs me. And I need them. And something's wrong with Carter for God's sake and I don't know what and I need to fix that."

"Jack..."

"No! If you want me to do this I need them to know. I can't keep them in the dark, General. Just NO."

"I am sorry son but that is the only way. And now is actually the perfect timing. You just got back from Edora. You can easily pretend that the life you lead here is nothing for you anymore..." And the General looked at him.

"I'm going to lose them, Sir." Jack told him and sat down. He clasped his head in his hands and took a deep breath.

"Jack there is no other way."

"Sir..."

"No, listen to me, son. Tomorrow morning we meet for a debrief. You then take few days off as you normally would. Then we will schedule a mission for your team and put the plan into motion."

And Jack was silent.

"We get the bastards and then I give you all the time and space you need to put your team back together and fix whatever you think might be broken."

After long agonizing moment Jack nodded.

"I recognize an order even if you don't tell me it's one, Sir." He said and the General knew that he was asking really a lot from him. And he even felt guilty. But there was no other way. And this opportunity presented itself so why shouldn't he take it.

He understood his reluctance. He could see the shift among SG-1 himself and knew that it was a very risky business. His flagship team could fall apart. And it could be beyond repair as Daniel Jackson was not military and would not understand why Jack had to follow direct order even though he disagreed with it. Teal'c would probably comment on their ways and who knows when he would trust O'Neill again. At least there was Major Carter. She was military brat. She would understand. Or so he hoped.

It was a risk to ask Jack to do this but there was no other way and that was it.

Jack looked at him and Hammond knew he would do what was asked of him.

"What do you need, son?"

"A miracle would be nice, General, thanks." Jack replied, closed his eyes and leaned back on his couch. This was so so so so wrong!


	3. Happy retirement

**A/N** LadyMo this is for you! I had it all written down and the next chapter planned when I read your review and you had few good points so I went back to the beginning of this chapter and voila... hope you're gonna like it! And thank you ;)

Oh and next chapter won't be up this fast folks, sorry... I will do my best though.

* * *

 **Happy retirement**

They met the next morning in the briefing room. Jack looked like he didn't sleep at all. Hammond was already waiting for him there. Soon Teal'c and Daniel came to join them followed by Fraiser.

"So we're all here, let's begin."

"Sir, what about Carter?" Jack asked.

"Major Carter is currently taking few days off, she won't be joining us. Now, Doctor Fraiser, what have you got?" Hammond continued and it took Jack a few moments to process it. Fraiser was already talking about his physical condition, he heard something about his cholesterol and sugar levels being much better and some of the minerals and vitamins in his blood not being that good. Hell he was living on another planet so what?

"Excuse me, Sir. What do you mean she took few days off? Shouldn't she be here now?" Jack asked and didn't understand the glares coming from Daniel and Janet.

"Major Carter earned her leave, Colonel."

"I thought you guys were here the whole time... no missions off-world." Jack said evidently lost in the situation.

"Colonel I suggest you sit and listen now." The General said and so Jack did what he was asked to do.

They briefed him on how it all happened from their point of view. They told him about coming back and finding out the Gate was with a shield, they told him about Sam's idea and plan.

"So she built that accelerator thing right?"

"Yes, she did."

And the way Daniel looked at him told him that any more questions would have to wait. Jack let them continue with the debrief and told them then what had happened back on Edora.

He knew he would have to find a way how to talk to Carter. But then he caught one look from the General and understood that he couldn't. He would have to let it go to play it along with the whole going rogue plan. He hated it!

For a moment he was sure he would blow the cover and do something stupid as talking to his Second. Damned it!

They all got few days off and as the Colonel was given clean bill of health they were already put back into the rooster for another mission and for one diplomatic mission to Tollana.

They went their separate ways. Only Jack took a turn to the infirmary as soon as he could. Fraiser wasn't there so he went to find Daniel. And found him in his office.

"Hey, Jack."

"Daniel, spill. What's going on?" Jack asked and Daniel knew his friend had a right to know but was very reluctant to tell him. He noticed the way Sam looked after coming back home from Edora yesterday and had vague idea about the reason. But Jack was his friend and he just couldn't ignore him.

"You'll have to be more specific, Jack."

"Why is Carter taking few days off?"

"We all are, Jack. We all had pretty rough three months." Daniel said but could guess easily that it would not satisfy Jack.

"Okay enough, what is it you're not telling me?" Jack asked not really liking this. "Daniel!"

Daniel looked at him and knew there was no point in lying.

"Look, Sam has spent the whole time here on the base, she worked day and night to get you home. From what I know she left only once for a few hours."

"Whoa whoa you mean she's been basically living here?" And he couldn't really believe it.

"Yes, Jack. She was living here on the base. Well if you can call it living." Daniel added and Jack began to pace around his office thinking.

"That's just..."

"What?"

"Wrong!" Jack almost yelled and his head was pounding, he felt gigantic headache coming. How was he supposed to deal with this? How? He had to and yet he knew he couldn't. Not even his black op days were this tough.

"You know, Sam didn't have to do it." Daniel added.

"What?"

"She didn't have to stay here the whole time to build that thing. The Tollan would be passing by Edora in about 10 months."

"Wow, that's a long time..."

"Yeah and she thought you didn't deserve that. So she did all she could to bring you home sooner."

"Daniel..."

"We were all worried about her. She barely slept, she was forgetting to eat and drink. She has never left. Well Janet said she had breakfast with her once outside the base but that was it."

And it all left Jack speechless. His first instinct was to go to Carter at once to yell at her for being that stupid, for risking her own health for him. Then he would probably lose it and hug her and kiss her senseless because this spoke volumes about her commitment. And it was all so wrong. Based on this he could assume that she felt just about the same about him as he felt about her.

But it didn't explain why she shut him out, why didn't she go to him, why wasn't she happy to see him alive, why she left the base once she get the chance even before he could say hi. What was going on? Did she regret it? For once he wished he could see what had been going on in that brilliant head of hers.

And there was the huge BUT. But no matter what he couldn't go to her and talk to her. He was supposed to be unhappy back home, he was supposed to want to go back to Edora to have a happy retirement there. He had to hurt his team so they would let him go asking no questions. He was supposed to be the ultimate asshole.

So he just thanked Daniel for letting him know and left. He was so angry he could barely breathe. He hated himself. And yet he knew that for the sake of his country and his whole planet he would carry on with the plan and do what had been asked of him.

Daniel watched his friend leave and hoped he would realize what had been going on.

In the meantime Sam was at home. She refused to talk to anyone. Janet did her post-mission check-up and found nothing out of ordinary. She wanted to talk about the mission but Sam couldn't.

"It's all right, Janet. I just need a few days off to clear my head." And Janet noticed the pain in her friend's eyes so she guessed that Colonel O'Neill had indeed find a new life back on Edora. She felt sorry for her friend but perhaps it was for the best. And it didn't stop her from enjoying the Colonel's check-up just a little too much – she knew he hated needles!

Sam went to the General to ask for a few days off and he happily granted her those, thanking her for the effort she put into bringing the Colonel back home safely. She thanked him and left the base.

At home she turned off her phone, locked the door, pulled down the curtains and went straight to bed. She was too exhausted to cry, she just needed to sleep. And indeed she woke up the next morning – but she was not feeling any better. She took a shower, made herself huge pot of tea and dug out her big box of cookies saved for the worst of times. Wearing her soft and yet very warm pyjamas she would usually wear only in winter, she wrapped her grandmother's afghan around her shoulders, sat down on her couch and let herself feel all the pain and anguish.

She cried for her broken heart, she cried for her lost hopes, she cried because she felt lonely and betrayed and because the sad reality of her life hit her like a ton of bricks.

It was stupid of her to fall for her CO, that much she knew. And despite all the small touches and flirting and joking and despite all the attraction that was clearly there she had to let it all go. And she didn't know how.

And there was another thing. Because of the Stargate program he had to come back from retirement and he wasn't happy about it. And then he found his peace and new life on Edora. And because of her invention and because of her effort he had to make the impossible choice between that life and the one back on Earth. He came back, yes, but he would probably never forgive her – for leaving him there for so long and also for making him choose.

Either way their relationship would go back to where it had begun. She was his subordinate and perhaps in time they could be friends but not for now. Now she needed to be the professional she was. And she knew she could do it. She could follow his lead and his orders, she could trust him to have her back and hoped he could trust her to have his. But all the other stuff they've begun to share? That would have to be all different.

And so she allowed herself these few days to cry and cry and sleep and eat all the unhealthy stuff that could make her feel a bit better in her sorrow. And once she'd be back on the base she'd be the perfect Major of the United States Air Force. She had to. She had a job to do.

And hopefully in time she would meet the rest of her team for a team night with pizza and beer and another movie that would make Teal'c question the sanity of people from Earth.

Little she knew that Jack hated every minute of those days as he was torn between what he knew he had to do and what he wished he could do. And above that there was the letter from Sarah and it kept on bugging him.

He wanted to call her and talk to her but knowing what he was about to do he decided to leave it for now. He would call her once he was back home from his mission.

And he hoped he would get the chance to fix more than just his relationship with Sarah.

He had his team – his family. And he cared for them more than he had ever cared for any other team in his life. They were more to him than he could imagine. Daniel was like his little brother, he was his moral compass. Teal'c as the silent companion that knew how to give him the strength needed to do his job. And Sam. The only person that could make him feel like he was 16 again. She was the one guarding his soul so he wouldn't fall into the devil's hands and she didn't even know it. And by his prolonged stay on Edora they all were hurt and he wished nothing more than to gather them into his cabin and fix their relationship.

And he wasn't allowed to.

When he met his team on the base the morning prior to their diplomatic mission to Tollana he was greeted by Daniel and Teal'c first. They talked to him and everything seemed okay. They joked around and talked about little things, he was telling them about his first attempts to make a hammer and some other tools on Edora... it felt okay.

When Carter joined them he was worried but she seemed to feel a lot better. She looked better as well but he noticed how thin she was. She was the perfect Major he knew she could be, hiding behind a mask so she wouldn't have to face him. But perhaps it was for the best. Something was wrong and he couldn't afford to deal with it now. It would have to wait. But she was military and she could and hopefully would understand the situation.

They both put on the act and the team seemed to be working just fine. Nobody could tell things weren't that peachy. Perhaps they even would be eventually.

And so they left for Tollana and Jack had his orders to follow. The struck faces of his teammates spoke volumes. Even Carter seemed genuinely shocked. Maybe she hasn't given up on him entirely.

Jack had to watch himself otherwise he would have blown it. Luckily – well if one could say that – Hammond kept his act up as well and things were put into motion even faster than he anticipated. He was glad about that – he wanted this to be over as soon as possible.

He just hoped he wouldn't have to hurt his friends more than necessary – and even that was too much. But of course Carter being Carter would have to come and talk to him.

"Sir?" So he stopped and turned around to face her.

"What?"

"Is there anything I can do?" She asked him and seemed really concerned about him. And there was something else in her look and yet again he couldn't decipher that. Those months spent apart...

"About?" And under different circumstances he would be proud about his acting skills.

"Well, Sir, with respect, you aren't exactly acting like yourself." Sam said and was really curious and really worried. She could only wonder if she had any part in his decisions... she hated this situation and she hated that she didn't know what was going on.

Jack on the other hand knew this was the time he would hate himself for later.

"No Carter. I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now I'm acting like myself." He said and his heart broke over her hurt eyes. Now he felt like the worst kind of man ever.

The minute he was alone he screamed and punched a wall. It hurt. But not enough.

The next days were a blur. And as they didn't know when things would turn for the better he was getting anxious and bored.

When Daniel came to see him he wasn't happy. Knowing it was his best friend that would have to play a part was breaking his heart. The conversation went just as he had anticipated. And Daniel leaving him in his living room was just the outcome he needed. And he could tell that no amount of excuses and explanations would fix this.

He just lost his best friend.

He could only hope that Daniel will understand some day and forgive him. Honestly – he couldn't really imagine his life without him in it. He also made up his mind – once this mission was over he would make sure no such mission would happen again. If their allies trusted him they would have to trust his team. Or there would be no deals at all.

He only hoped the General would keep his promise and give him the necessary time to talk to his team and make things right. Well if they would let him. He just hoped he had convinced them enough to let him go... he didn't want to hurt them more. Any of them.

Well his team was assigned new leader and although Daniel wasn't happy about it which was perfectly understandable, Jack knew that his time was coming up. Contacts have been made and everything was in motion. It was taking too long anyway.

He mentioned Laira deliberately in front of Makepeace as he hoped he would let that information slip in front of his team. That would probably keep them from asking any more questions and he would hopefully just quietly go through the Gate to have his task done.

And indeed during lunch in the commissary Daniel heard Colonel Makepeace talking to somebody whose name he couldn't recall about Jack asking for permission to leave for Edora. And so when he met Teal'c and Sam later that evening for dinner at Sam's place, he told them.

"So now it makes sense..." Sam said.

"Does it?" Daniel asked.

"You said it yourself earlier, Daniel. And we agreed that he had to have some motive for his actions."

"Yeah but we thought it was because somebody had ordered him to steal the technology."

"So perhaps not." Teal'c said.

"What do you mean by that?!"

"He has a point, Daniel. Look, we thought he was following some hidden agenda of somebody powerful. You said it yourself that when you met him he was ready to blow the nuke and himself with it."

"That is correct." Teal'c added.

"So maybe it was his own agenda he was following."

"Stealing technology so he could go to Edora?" Daniel asked in disbelief.

"Yes. He is smart, Daniel. And no matter if we like it or not he was happy on Edora."

"No, he was bored and just trying to survive." Daniel said sounding very hurt.

"Daniel..." Sam said softly.

"He would have told us."

"Perhaps not." Teal'c said.

"He is very smart no matter how hard he tries to play dumb. And he had a life on Edora he could only dream about here. He had Laira. And us coming to get him took that away from him. He knew they wouldn't let him just go back there..." Sam was speaking quietly but was proud at herself that her voice didn't tremble.

She felt both Daniel and Teal'c watching her and knew that they both had their doubts.

"So you think he decided to piss them off so much so they would offer him the retirement themselves?" Daniel asked and Sam just shrugged her shoulders.

It hurt. A lot. But she saw how he was looking at Laira and could understand he wanted back. It was the same force that made her work day and night to get him home to Earth.

"So what?" Daniel asked in the end.

"So we shall say goodbye, DanielJackson." Teal'c added and Sam agreed.

"I don't know if I can do that" Daniel admitted and Sam squeezed his shoulder.

"We don't have a choice, Daniel." She said and it took them another hour before any of them spoke again.

They talked about their new team leader and they talked about their friends and they avoided the topic of Colonel O'Neill for the rest of the evening.

And so when the time came they greeted him in the Gate room to watch him go. Teal'c stood there and only by the way he clasped his hands his friends could tell how deeply affected he was by this. Daniel didn't even try to pretend. And Sam? She saluted him and when he didn't even look back she felt her heart stop for a moment. So this was the end.

Jack knew he couldn't turn around. Seeing them there was not what he wanted. He wanted – he needed – to leave all alone. Seeing them there almost made him walk back and tell them everything. But he couldn't. Not now. He was too close to complete the mission.

What surprised him was the way Carter looked at him few hours ago. She seemed relieved about his decision. She was sad and yet something in the way she was looking at him made him wonder if anything had happened to her. She didn't seem herself and yet there was this strange confidence in the way she stood that it left him confused.

He saw Teal'c and knew the big guy wasn't buying the whole act but played along. Or even Teal'c thought that he indeed desired to go back to Edora.

Did they really think that this was what he wanted? Happy retirement?


	4. Teamnight

**A/N** This chapter contains a lot of dialogues from the episode and is kinda short. But the next one is the one you're all waiting for! There is one or two to go to finish this story.

Oh and THANK YOU for your reviews – I promise to get back to all of you. I read them, I love them, I just wish there was more time to answer you!

And I am sorry about the delay, busy days with my girls... the older one decided to test my limits and the little one (9m old) decided to skip a few development phases and just stood up by the couch!

* * *

 **Teamnight**

"So what now?" Daniel asked his teammates. They were all in Sam's lab eating snacks.

"Now we continue to do our job." Sam said.

"Just like that?" He asked not really believing her.

"What do you suggest, Daniel?"

"I don't know... shouldn't we figure this out?" He replied and sat down on one of her chairs. He felt drained somehow. Losing his friend was a lot to take in.

"Look, I don't like this any more than you do, Daniel." Sam told him softly. "But there's nothing we can do."

"I hate this." He said and by the way others looked at him he knew he was not the only one. "I just can't believe he would decide to betray us like this."

"I also do not believe O'Neill would betray us and the Tauri." Teal'c added.

"Good, we all agree on that." Sam said. Her computer beeped then so she walked the three steps away to take a look what was going on.

"And I also believe that O'Neill would not be happy on planet called Edora." Teal'c said and Daniel looked at him in wonder. Sam wasn't paying attention to them. Daniel took a moment to be sure he got this right but there was no doubt.

"So... you noticed too, huh?" Daniel asked almost in whisper.

"Indeed."

"You think they noticed too?" But instead of answering this question Teal'c just gave him one of his looks and Daniel just nodded. These silent conversations were indeed something!

Sam came back in the meantime and so they all stood there together.

"Something's going on. And I hate it that he wouldn't tell us." Daniel told them and Teal'c just bowed his head a bit to the side.

"Perhaps he was not allowed to."

"See? That's what I don't like about the military. All these secrets! We're his friends, his team, we should be there with him."

"If there is something going on, we can expect him to come back one day and explain things." She said softly. But her teammates saw that she was far from okay with the situation. She just had to be the good soldier.

"If we let him..." Daniel muttered and nobody said anything then, they finished their snacks and shifted the topic to which movie they would watch on Friday on their teamnight.

They were all thinking about Jack O'Neill, each of them differently. But they all missed him.

Jack in the meantime lived a nightmare. He knew it was a nightmare because everything was just wrong. He shouldn't be doing this – or at least not alone. He should have his team by his side! And yet he was hiding in the bushes watching his people – his team – going through the Gate.

No, it couldn't have been right. No way. NO WAY.

Everything in him was screaming in alert that he surely had gotten wrong intel. The mole was supposed to be on this team. On his team. He could have probably disappeared through the Gate without being seen but he needed to know, he needed to see with his own eyes. So he decided to sit and wait for one of them to pick up the package. He just hoped his heart wouldn't shatter.

His gut was telling him it was Makepeace – because he couldn't imagine one of his closest friends betraying him and the whole Earth and humanity. But he had been wrong about people before. He could feel giant headache coming. One of the reasons was the nudging thought that these friends were probably thinking the same about him... ah.

When they were coming back and Carter stopped by the DHD he stopped breathing. Not Carter. God, not Carter! The second he set his eyes on her standing there seemed like one of the longest of his life. No no no no, it couldn't be Carter. Not the woman he... – nope, not going there. But she simply started to dial up the Gate. He was eternally grateful. He could have never... no, he was not going there either.

Then there was Teal'c. Jack knew that was simply not possible. It wouldn't make any sense.

And then there was Makepeace. And he crouched down and took the package. Bingo. Jack just hit the jackpot. So it was Makepeace. He had to clench his fist so he wouldn't do something stupid. Imagining that his friends – his family – were under command of a real traitor.

He needed this to be over quickly so he wouldn't have to worry about it. No way he was letting them go to another mission with him.

Once they were back he did what was necessary and got back to the base. Things got into motion pretty quickly and suddenly he was standing on the ramp in the SGC welcoming the soon-to-be-prisoners back on Earth.

And it gave him great pleasure to put the cuffs on Makepeace's wrists. That son-of-a...

Things were clarified and Jack was very anxious about his team. He knew he had a lot to fix with them. And he also knew that right now nothing of it would come out. They wouldn't do that... no, they would talk nicely and walk away and he could only hope to get them to talk to him later.

They could also shut him out. And he wouldn't really blame them.

And of course there was the issue about Carter's three months stay under the mountain to get him home – something for which he still had to thank her for. Talking to her was one of his top priorities but it was also something he was actually afraid of.

The time away from his team also gave him time to think and he did a lot of that. He still wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing though. He had to come to terms with something he was not ready to face.

Sam. Carter. His friend. His 2IC. His... a lot more than that. He still didn't know how the hell did it happen! He was too old for this... He still couldn't really believe it. But he also knew that there was no point in denying it. He had to face it and accept it. And keep it hidden and buried.

But no matter what she was his friend and he didn't want to lose her. And he knew that he might have already lost them all. He had a lot of work to do if he was to gain trust of his friends again. And he was sure that they wouldn't go easy on him. Well he deserved nothing less!

Seeing them there and knowing this was the end gave him a good feeling. He had to watch himself otherwise he would have done something stupid. This was not the place and it was not even the right time.

Daniel had his 'I'm thinking really hard' look and was the first one to speak.

"So, just to uh, clarify, this whole past week, beginning with the appeal we made on Tollana in which I did a lot of hard work, by the way…I take it that was all a scam." He said matter of factly.

It was the general who answered him. "Within the last two weeks, the Asgard and the Tollan approached us independently of each other with evidence that we were stealing technology from them."

Jack was waiting and waiting and waiting, not daring to speak.

"We? The SGC?" Carter asked not really believing it.

"Yes. The Asgard, the Tollan and the Nox were going to sever all ties with us. But we convinced them the theft must be the action of a rogue group from outside the SGC." Hammond said and looked at his best people hoping they would understand and forgive O'Neill. They had to see the importance of this.

But he wasn't stupid and knew that the actual survival of his flagship team was out of his hands. They might make it through this and they might also come to him one by one asking for transfer. And it would be his fault. He had faith in them though. Nevertheless he insisted on Travell being there for this to help him out a bit.

"We insisted that you apprehend them yourselves. You have now regained our trust." Travell said and nodded.

"So, you set that whole thing up on Tollana in the hopes that the mole would think you were one of them and approach you?" Sam asked and Jack knew by the way she looked at him that she was beginning to understand. Military and all...

"And you didn't think you could trust us to help?" Daniel asked the question that had been burning him for days - and he was mad and hurt. As expected.

"We wanted to assure that your reaction to the Colonel's behaviour was as it should be. And the Asgard insisted that Colonel O'Neill be the only one involved." Hammond added.

"They like me." Jack said nonchalantly trying to smile and look innocent. He would have to talk to Thor later and explain to him that this was the last time for a solo-action. He couldn't work like that anymore. Things have definitely changed.

"And now, will you come with me your Eminence?" The General said sensing that there was nothing more he could do or say. Now it was up to his people.

He left with Travell and O'Neill knew that he had to start. He looked at his team, at his friends.

"I'm back." He started.

"It's good to have you back, sir." Sam said, smiling. And any other time he would probably take that and be happy but he knew her better than that. Her eyes gave her away. Damn.

"Indeed." Teal'c added.

"Thank you." Jack replied and knew the big guy would have something to say later as well. Or not. Perhaps he would just look at him.

Daniel didn't say anything and Jack's heart fell. Daniel as a civilian wouldn't understand. And with his strong dislike of the military... well... He called his name and gestured for him to walk with him

"That stuff I was talking about at my house…" Jack started.

"Uh…"

"The place was bugged, I had to keep up the act."

"I, it's, I understand." Daniel stammered.

"And obviously the whole friendship thing, the foundation, it's all solid." Jack said and hoped Daniel could tell he really meant it.

"Obviously, it is, you don't have to…"

"Nothing to worry about." Jack added but Daniel still didn't look comfortable.

"You don't have to…"

"No, no, I feel I kinda…I do appreciate that you were the one that came to see if I was ok. That…that means something."

Daniel stopped and it made Jack wonder – why? What was happening?

"Ah, actually, no it doesn't."

"Huh?" Jack wasn't following and when Daniel looked at Carter and Teal'c he sensed something funny was happening.

"Um, we, uh, we drew straws. I lost." He said and actually enjoyed Jack's shocked face. He left with Sam who just shrugged and when Jack looked at Teal'c he had a distinctly smug look on his face – very unusual for him. He followed his friends and Jack just stood there, not understanding.

Did he mean so little to them? Or did he hurt them too much? Or were they afraid of him? Or... Or did they really think he wanted it? Did they think he was that kind of a bastard to betray everything? He got really worried and knew that taking time to fix this wouldn't work for them. The sooner the better.

So he caught up with them.

"Guys... listen." He started. They all turned to look at him and the smiley faces were gone now with nobody else there to watch them and judge them.

"What is it you require, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"Well it's more about what I need." Jack said attempting to make a joke – failing at that.

"And that would be?" Daniel asked back.

"A team-night. Beer and pizza and movie and just us, at my place." Jack answered and with all his walls down for a minute he hoped they would accept his invitation and give him his desired chance to apologize and clean this whole mess.


	5. Coffee or whiskey?

**A/N** So this is it... One more chapter after this one for sure. However I am not sure about how and when to end this story. Suggestions? And if something about this chapter doesn't sit well (conversations mostly) – lemme know, we can fix it. It's been ages since I've seen the show. I will probably re-watch it on sleepless nights (my daughter is teething... heh).

* * *

 **Coffee or Whiskey?**

Jack watched his teammates look at each other silently debating how to answer him. One part of him was hurt and the other was proud. They were a true team.

"Sure, why not." Daniel said.

"Good." Jack replied. And before he had a chance to talk to them some more he was called over the intercom. So he just smiled and nodded at them and took his leave.

He spent the next hour with Hammond and Travell and tried his best to pay attention. But he couldn't wait to be out of there... he had absolutely no idea how his house looked like and what would be needed so he could have his team over for the movies and pizza.

In an hour he was out of there and on his way home.

Home. It sounded strange but he was happy to be back. Before his hasty leave he had to pack almost everything into boxes and make it look like he was indeed away for good. Most of those boxes had been sent to a storage unit. But when he got home he found everything there. So Hammond had it brought back it seemed. And his fridge was turned on and full. And it contained even drinks and snacks his friends liked. He would have to thank Walter and Hammond later. They made it easier for him.

Jack unpacked what he could to make his place look like home again. Yeah, Potemkin's village.

He didn't have the heart to unpack his photos. Not now. Not just yet. It didn't feel right.

Carter was sitting on her couch just waiting for the right time to drive over to the Colonel's house. She didn't want to be early. She didn't want to be alone with him. And she didn't like that feeling but she couldn't help it.

Wheels in her head were turning and turning. She could understand he had to follow direct orders and of course when it was about saving their alliances he had no choice but still his behaviour hurt. And after the last couple of months she just didn't know what to expect.

Daniel was angry. He knew why Jack did what he did but he was angry anyway. He had no right. Well he had every right but it was wrong anyway. He shouldn't have! All the stuff he said... well he was going to pay for it.

Daniel felt a bit bad about telling him about the straws but well it felt good at that moment.

Daniel picked up Teal'c and they drove over to Jack's house stopping to buy beer and to pick a few movies to watch. They were first to arrive. Sam arrived just a few minutes after them.

It was silent in the house. Jack was trying but they all had their drinks and snacks were on the table and pizza was ordered and yet they barely spoke to each other. He couldn't blame them but he really couldn't take it anymore.

"So, will you finally say something guys? Yell at me? Anybody wants to punch me?" He asked.

"That would make it all too easy for you!" Daniel told him.

"Daniel..."

"What Sam? It's true."

"Look, I know you are all angry at me but I had no choice." Jack said hoping they would listen.

"Yeah sure you didn't."

"What's that supposed to mean, Daniel?"

"You could have tried! I am sure they would allow us to know! But you liked it, didn't you, huh?"

"You think I liked it?!"

"Didn't you?!"

"NO!" Jack almost yelled at him. Leave it to Daniel...

"But it was no problem for you to follow your damn orders and keep us in the dark!"

"I didn't want to!"

"Sure."

"Daniel, listen to me. When Hammond came to me the day I got back from Edora and told me about the plan, I said no."

"You did?" Daniel asked, not believing.

"Yes. I told him I was not going to do it. Not without you. I was against it."

"I didn't know..." Daniel said and looked at Jack.

"I did all that because of what was in stake."

"Sir, we understand." Sam finally said and he looked at her desperately searching her eyes for any clues. But she was closed off. He looked back at Daniel because he knew he was the most affected person.

"And for what is worth I told Hammond, Travell, Thor, all of them, that it was the last time I was doing something without you."

Daniel looked at him and they were all silent. Jack felt his blood pressure slowly getting back to normal. Daniel felt a bit calmer. Before any of them could say anything else the doorbell rang – pizza was there.

"We shall eat now." Teal'c said and along with Daniel they went to open the door and get the pizza.

Jack used that little moment to look at Sam. He was worried about her. She was there with them but she wasn't herself. She probably had her own speech for him ready. She met his eyes and it scared him that he couldn't read in them as usually.

Sam knew she wasn't being fair to him but she had enough on her mind to deal with – she didn't need his issues on top of that. She knew they would have to talk eventually but it didn't have to happen now.

Guys brought the pizza and noticed the tension in the room. Well it seemed they had a long evening ahead of them.

With the pizza and beer the tension slowly left them and they could even talk like they used to. Sam was unusually silent but her friends let her be. In an hour they were all full and have begun to relax. Daniel was telling Jack about their missions under Makepeace's leadership, Jack was telling them details about the organization... it almost seemed they were okay.

"Guys...?" Jack asked because there was something he needed to know.

"Yeah?" Daniel answered.

"Did you really believe the story and the whole act?"

And then there came silence. And it was surprisingly Sam who answered.

"No, we didn't."

"You didn't?"

"No, Sir. We didn't. We knew something was going on, we didn't know what but we didn't believe the story that you would betray us all."

"And what did you think, Carter?" He asked her and knew he should probably look elsewhere but he couldn't do that.

"We had a few theories." She said.

"Yeah, that maybe you were acting on somebody's orders or that it was a test of some sort or..."

"Or?" Jack asked and looked at Daniel who looked very uncomfortable in that very moment.

"Or that perhaps you knew that doing something like that was the only way for you to go back to Laira and stay retired as you have always wanted." Sam said and Jack felt his heart drop.

"You think I would want that?" He asked her directly but Daniel being Daniel knew that he had to step in to save Sam.

"Well we didn't know what to think!"

And they fell into silence. Teal'c came to Jack and put his hand onto his shoulder. That made him look away from Carter.

"It's good to have you back, O'Neill." He said.

"Thanks, T." Jack replied.

"Do not do this again." He added and his tone made Jack swallow. Oh so he had pissed the big guy as well.

"I will not." Jack promised and when the big guy nodded he felt a bit better. He knew Teal'c wouldn't hold it against him anymore but he was the least affected of them all. Jack didn't have to do or say anything to anger his friend or to hurt him. With his other two friends it was different.

He looked at Daniel.

"I am sorry, Daniel. I really am." He told him.

"I know."

"Forgive me?" Jack asked.

"In time? Yes." Daniel said and Jack knew he couldn't ask for more. Daniel was a civilian and he hated military – and he was hurt by his best friend not matter how hard he tried to make it look like a joke.

"Thank you." Jack replied.

And soon the conversation was flowing easily again. It seemed the worse was behind them.

He didn't even dare to talk to Carter. Not with their friends there with them. No, the two of them would need to talk alone. He knew.

Sam was watching her friends from the kitchen as she went there to get something to drink and knew they would overcome this in time. The Colonel seemed genuinely sorry about his actions and although he did the right thing he could see it himself that it was wrong to leave his team in the dark. She was sure he wouldn't do that again. Well – should he get the chance to have a say in the matter.

When they told him about their theories concerning his wild actions she was trying to read his face to know that was going on in his head. But the only one that seemed to shock him was the last one – the happy retirement version.

Could that mean that he didn't really want to? Could it mean that he...? No, she couldn't let her mind wander into those places.

When they guys were debating something and laughing about it in the living room she sensed she could leave them then. She didn't want to leave her team entirely but she needed to get some air. She was tired and would fall asleep soon otherwise.

She knew the Colonel had backyard patio so she left there and noticed how the sky was clear that night. She couldn't remember the last time she could just sit down and watch the stars from Earth's surface. The constellations were so beautiful.

It was getting cold but she was enjoying herself. She got lost in her own mind, closing her eyes she just relaxed there.

When the guys noticed she was not with them they looked around and found her sitting in the back. Jack sighed and it didn't go unnoticed by his two other friends.

"Guys... what happened to her?" Jack asked.

"What do you mean, O'Neill?" Teal'c replied.

"She seems so... "

"She seems what, Jack?" Daniel asked and looked him in the eyes.

"I don't know... even before I had to you know - become the bad guy, something was wrong with her."

"So perhaps you shall take a blanket and go outside, O'Neill." Teal'c suggested.

"What? A blanket?" Jack asked and looked at Teal'c not understanding.

"Yes. She has to be cold." He explained.

"I don't know if that is a good idea." Jack argued back.

"Jack, do you know why we had to draw straws?" Daniel asked and Jack just shrugged. "Because when I came with the idea that something was wrong she told me to leave you alone."

"Why would she...?" And he was clearly confused. Did she really care so little about him? Or did he hurt her more than he had thought? He looked at Daniel, searching his face for answers.

"Well we asked obviously and she said she had overheard you talking to Makepeace in the commissary and that you had talked to her yourself."

"Damn..." Jack muttered to himself.

"We believed she was the best person to talk to you as she is military herself." Teal'c said.

"But she didn't want to." Daniel said.

"So you drew straws and you lost." Jack added.

"More or less, yes."

Jack didn't know how to reply to that. And slowly all the small pieces fell into place. So she overheard him talking to Makepeace. What that could have been about? Well it was nothing good that was for sure as he was trying to lure Makepeace and few others that had been seen with Maybourne. And then his little outburst... so he screwed royally. Yes, she was military and fully understood all that happened. But there was more to their relationship then military. And that part was damaged. By him.

He knew there was more to it. He remembered what Daniel had told him before – about her efforts and 3 months stay under the mountain as she was trying to bring him home.

And again – more and more things made sense. And it was scary.

It meant that there was a slight possibility that he was not the only one feeling something that went way deeper than it should between colleagues and Air Force officers. He just couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not.

He watched her sitting there under the stars and noticed how the moonlight reflected in her hair. She was so peaceful and so beautiful. And he was not supposed to be thinking that... he just wished he knew what it was she needed. He would do literally anything to see her smile at him – but with that genuine smile that reached her eyes and made them shine the same colour the wormhole has once it's established.

When he looked back at his friends he had to smile. They were sitting on the couch, watching their movie, eating snacks. Subtle huh...

When he looked next to him he found a blanket lying there. Next to it were two cups with coffee but also two glasses and a bottle of Whiskey. Good choice.

With one last look back at the guys he reached for the blanket and knowing the upcoming conversation would be easier with Whiskey, he poured two glasses and took them along. Coffee could wait.

Leaving Teal'c and Daniel he went outside to join Carter. To talk.


	6. I need you

**A/N** I am soooo sorry about the delay. After a week in the kindergarten my older daughter is ill again and as the younger one is teething and starting to walk along the furniture it's pretty crazy around here... plus I took part in a sewing project for one of the local hospitals – they needed some stuff for their newborn ward so that had priority...

So here we are with the last chapter – well at least right now I think it's the last one. We'll see – as my stories tend to have their own life!

Thanks to you all for your reviews and PMs, they mean the world. I just can't find enough time to write let alone to respond. But I read every single one of them and love them all.

Mistakes are all mine (do you hate typos the same as I do?)

* * *

 **I need you**

Jack closed the door behind him and took a moment to watch Carter. He knew that if he wanted to fix their fragile relationship he would have to offer her a lot more than a simple apology. They were both so used to living inside the military with their ranks and obligations that it was nearly impossible to take a step out of that comfort zone. He couldn't dare to hope she would open herself up to him and make him pay for the pain he had caused her – no matter if he had been aware of it or not.

No, she would say everything's okay and it would take him months – or more – to make her see him as a friend again and he could forget about hoping she could be at ease around him. It took him so long before she stopped being so tense and always by-the-book. It took him ages before her shell cracked open and she started to smile more and joke around with him.

He cherished all the memories about this time – but it was in the past and he had no desire to go through that again. The mutual respect they've built, the trust, the friendship, the way they cared about each other... he didn't want to lose it – but was afraid he had already.

No, losing Carter was not an option – and he was not thinking in the lines of her being alive or dying on a mission – which would haunt him for the rest of his life – he was thinking in the lines of having a close and cherished friend in her and someone he knew he could open up to – if he wanted to.

It was such a dangerous territory but right now it was up to him to decide how this conversation would go – and which way they relationship would take.

When he called Sarah this afternoon – and he was surprised he did – they talked for quite a long time. And so she told him about meeting Sam at the cemetery. She told him about the devastated worn-out woman that cried on his son's grave. She told him about the brave mask she put on the moment she said hello. And then Sarah asked him if Sam Carter was someone he cared about – and he couldn't lie to her.

"Jack, is she someone special in your life?"

"Yes. Yes, she is."

"But she is on your team, you work with her."

"Yes."

"So..."

"So it doesn't really matter, Sarah." And he sounded so defeated that it shocked him to his core. Sitting on his couch watching the half unpacked boxes he realized that if there was someone he could be totally honest with – it was Sarah. She was with him through the darkest times and knew him very well.

"Jack, are you still there?"

"Yeah... Just thinking."

"Can I ask you something?" and before he could say anything, she continued. "Do you honestly think it doesn't matter?"

"Sarah, she's... she's so..." And he couldn't finish.

"Yep, I thought so." And there was a bit of laughter in her voice. She couldn't believe it. Maybe Jack finally found someone that would help him heal his soul – something she tried but couldn't accomplish. And being military gave Sam Carter insight she had been missing and that even her love couldn't replace.

"You know how it is with me, Sarah. I am not the talking type."

"Well it seems to me that during the last few years you changed, Jack. And if Sam took at least a little part in that..."

"I am just an old fool, Sarah."

"Let her decide that."

"I have hurt her."

"Then apologize. Fix whatever is wrong between you two. I understand your military regulations but I know you, Jack O'Neill and I know that you pick your friends carefully. And those you chose are worth every effort." And she sounded so confident that it made him smile.

"So, is she worth it?" She asked softly and waited patiently for Jack's mind to put all the pieces together.

"She's worth everything, Sarah."

"Good." Was her reply and it surprised her how happy she was about this little revelation.

They changed the subject and talked some more but it left Jack thinking for the rest of the afternoon. And after what Daniel and Teal'c had told him he couldn't just back away. Not now. Not this time. He might have screwed it up with Sarah but he knew he was lucky enough to find someone he could care about this much again.

He wasn't sure if he hoped she felt the same or not – because both options were complicated – but he knew that he had to try to fix what he had broken. Because Sarah was right. Sam was special to him and she was worth it. No matter the outcome for him. She didn't deserve to feel pain just because of him.

"Are you going to stand there whole night, Sir?" Sam asked and it took him out of this thoughts. With a smile he took those few steps to her, handed her one of the glasses and then wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. It took all his willpower not to hug her close to him in that very second.

"You came out to hide from them?" Sam asked him and he chuckled.

"Actually they kicked me out."

"What? Why?"

"Well I can guess it has something to do with you sitting here all alone and being the only one that didn't give me the third degree yet." He said and her smile was gone and her face was serious.

She was afraid of this. The moment she sensed him on the patio behind her she knew that this evening would turn even more interesting. She was too tired to think it through though. She decided to wait for his approach and take his lead on the matters.

"I am not doing that, Sir." She said.

"You should, Carter. I was a bastard to you."

"It was a role you had to play. I understand that."

"I am talking about earlier, Sam." And he knew that using her first name was low from him but he needed to let her know this was personal for him.

"Earlier, Sir?"

"Edora."

"I don't understand." And leaving the usual 'Sir' out told him how affected she had been by this. And it was her way how to tell him this was personal for her too – even though she refused to openly acknowledge it.

"You know, when I saw the crater for the first time, I almost threw up. I was sick to my stomach because I couldn't see the Gate and that was kinda scary."

"You thought you wouldn't go home."

"No, I thought you died, that you all died, that the meteor crashed and you all were gone."

"Oh, Sir..."

"I told myself that it couldn't be true and I came back there day after day to dig. I wanted to find the Gate. After couple of weeks I knew it was most probable that it was really gone. I helped the villagers but I kept hoping that you guys would show up."

"But we didn't."

"You didn't... And after three months there was this feast and they finally took me in."

And Sam didn't know what to say.

"And the morning after that Teal'c showed up and..."

She looked up at him and the raw pain in her eyes shocked him. And before he could say anything he noticed how her eyes were glistering, the unshed tears there tearing him apart.

"I am so sorry, Sir."

"What?" And he was not following.

"I should have worked harder, I..."

"No. Stop. Right now. Don't say another word, Carter." And he could barely hold his anger.

"Sir..."

"No! Listen to me, Sam." And he moved so he was kneeling in front of her. And he didn't care at all about how it might look to an outsider.

Sam was so shocked by his sudden outburst that she sat still and just waited. She trembled and inside her was a wild storm. One day, one damned day and everything could have been different. Or not?

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You hear me?" And she didn't say anything.

"Do you hear me, Sam?" He asked again and only then he realized his palm was cupping her face. She only nodded.

"I know what you did, I know what it cost you, I know it almost destroyed you. And I know how others feared for you. Damn, Daniel almost chewed my head off and I swear Fraser used the biggest needles she had on me."

"Sir..." She whispered. His thumb began caressing her cheek. She leaned into his touch and closed her eyes for a moment.

"I couldn't stand the thought of leaving you there. I couldn't leave you there and let you wait for months. I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. I had to do something. I had to try, Sir." She told him fiercely.

"I missed you so much it hurt. And I couldn't even allow myself to think about the option that the meteor shower killed you all. That was not an option for me." She added and suddenly felt something in her go wild. Jack sensed the sudden change in her and took his hand away although he wanted nothing more than to hug her close to him and never let go. He stood up and took a step back. She stood up as well and the intimacy of previous moments was gone.

"And you didn't even say thank you." And there was a slight accusation in there.

"Carter..."

"Not that I expected it but it would have been nice. I really thought you would be waiting for us, that you would be happy to see us. But you looked sad and even mad. You looked like you didn't want to go home." She said matter of factly.

"And so you easily believed me then when I said I wanted to go back to Laira." He said and she nodded. "Did you really think I would just leave all this to live on Edora? Really?"

"Yes. I thought you found someone you could be happy with there. And it made sense that you would want to go back to her. You have fought your battles. You deserved your retirement."

"God, Carter..." And they both fell silent. Jack finished his drink and sat down on his back porch again. With his head in his hands he decided that this was the time.

"Laira is a nice woman and she took me in when I had no place to stay and when everyone in the village blamed me for taking their people away." He told her and she waited patiently. "When she came to me after the feast I... I guess I accepted the fact that I was stuck there, that if there was a way and you were alive you would have gotten there by then."

"Sir..." She wanted to say something, not sure what.

"You know what was the worst, Sam?" He asked and she just silently watched him. She understood that this was important. She didn't dare to sit down next to him though.

"Every single evening I went to bed totally exhausted from all the hard work hoping that I would just fall asleep and have no dreams. But whenever I closed my eyes I saw you."

"You saw us?" She asked him softly.

"No, Sam. You. I saw you." And he looked up and found her watching him.

"I saw your face. Your eyes. Your smile. And it wouldn't leave me for one single night. I just couldn't accept the fact that I might not ever see you again. It was eating me alive... Sam I missed you so much it was driving me mad. It was like losing Charlie all over again."

There, he confessed the whole truth. And it was exhausting. And liberating.

"And when you showed up I was not myself. I knew something was wrong with you but I didn't know what."

"You could have asked... you could have said hello at least." She told him sadly and didn't try to hide her pain from his more than just cold welcome.

"When I saw you there I wanted nothing more than to go to you straight away and..."

"And?" She asked.

"And do something you might find very inappropriate." He told her with a strange gleam in his eyes. Would running to meet his 2IC and kissing her in front of everyone count as inappropriate?

"I knew I couldn't because I had to talk to Laira and everyone was there and it was all too much... The day before Teal'c showed up I have given up all hopes and there you were so suddenly... I wanted to go and see you back on Earth to talk you but before I made it from the infirmary you were already gone and then Hammond came to me in the evening and all hell broke loose." Jack told her.

He looked at her and to his surprise she looked mad.

"Carter?" He asked unsure about the situation.

"And you think telling me all this now is going to fix everything? I said I could understand why you had to follow those orders. And I really do. But the rest of it? Is there something you're trying to tell me, Sir? Or are just making up excuses...?" She asked and her voice gave away the depth of her emotions. She was hurting – and yeah, she was mad. She was confused. It took her a moment to sort out everything he had told her during this evening.

Jack stood up and walked those few steps to her so he could stand toe to toe with her. Fixing her gaze with his eyes he took a deep breath. She didn't back away.

"I could never leave Earth and be happy on Edora."

"You could have with Laira." She said back holding her ground. And it didn't matter she sounded stupid even to her own ears. Since when this conversation was focused on this? How did it happen?

"I don't want Laira. I don't need Laira." He said fiercely.

"And what do you want, Sir? What do you need?" Sam asked daring him to answer truthfully.

"You, Carter. I want you. I need you."

And her world stopped spinning for a second.

* * *

 **TBC** in next chapter, heh, it would be way too long!


	7. All the time we need

**A/N** Wooo-hoo ;o)

* * *

 **All the time we need**

Daniel and Teal'c finished their movie and were half way through all the snacks when they dared to look outside for a moment.

"What do you think is going on there?" Daniel asked.

"We shall see, DanielJackson."

"I know... I'm just worried about them."

And in that moment they saw Sam saying something evidently mad and Jack suddenly stood up and walked over to her and stopped just right in front of her and they argued and whatever he said it made Sam's eyes go wide and she stood silently just staring at him.

"Oookay, do you see what I see?"

"Indeed."

And Daniel smiled at Teal'c. So it seemed their friends were finally forced to face what others have already understood. And by all means it seemed they were both surprised.

"So what do you think, T.?" Daniel asked.

"More pizza and next episode of Star Wars, DanielJackson."

And Daniel just grinned at his friend. He ordered another pizza and let Teal'c start yet another movie. They were sure that Jack and Sam needed more time. And that now it would start to be interesting...

In the garden Sam was shocked to her core. She would have never guessed that Colonel O'Neill would share something so personal with her. He on the other hand was losing his balance as Sam was still silent.

"Carter... say something." He pleaded.

"I..."

"Look, I am sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." He apologized thinking that maybe he had been wrong after all. He wanted to turn around and leave but warm soft hand was suddenly holding his own. He looked there and saw Carter holding him in place.

"I didn't even dare to hope you might feel the same." She said then.

"What? You...? You too?" He asked just to be sure they were on the same wave.

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes." She said and he visibly relaxed. He didn't let go though.

"Since when?"

"I don't know... I mean, I'm not sure. I was trying to fight it but when you stayed on Edora it just... I..."

"God, Sam..." He said softly and not really caring about the consequences he pulled her closer and enveloped her in his arms. Holding her securely close to him he felt her respond, she hugged him back.

"I am sorry I made you think otherwise." He said after a long time – neither could tell how much time had passed.

"You have no obligations to me, Sir." She told him and moved slightly away. He was her commanding officer after all.

"You think I don't?" He asked and smiled at her. "So this is the time when Samantha Carter is finally wrong about something." He teased her and it made her smile.

"Sam... you heard me talking to Makepeace in the commissary. What was that about?"

"Nothing pretty, Sir." She replied and sat down back to her original spot and wrapped herself into the blanket again.

"You know I didn't mean that, right?"

"Yes, of course." She said but didn't sound convinced.

"Carter?" And he noticed...

"I know you didn't mean that... but what you told me in the hallway, about not being yourself since meeting me... that was true, wasn't it?" She asked and he could tell she feared the answer.

He nodded and before continuing he walked back inside and grabbed the coffee waiting for them in thermo-cups. He ignored their two friends on the couch.

He handed Sam one of those cups and sat down next to her.

"You changed me, Carter. But not for the worse."

"How, Sir?" She asked back, curious.

"You make me want to be a better man. Well according to Sarah I already am a better man."

"Sir.." She said softly and it warmed her all the way down to her core that he would think along these lines when it came to her. He smiled at her and she could tell he was little nervous. She didn't even comment on his mention about Sarah, she was sure they have talked already and Sarah probably told him about meeting her. But he didn't seem upset about that at least.

Sam felt like he was waiting for something...

"I know you are my CO, Sir. And I value your trust, respect and friendship above all. You have to know that."

"I know, Carter. And I was afraid I have lost that..."

"You didn't. I was mad and hurt. But it didn't change anything."

"I really missed you." He told her and she nodded fully understanding their situation. She felt cold but she was not willing to get up from her spot by his side. Not now. Not ever? Well, not now.

"I don't know what to say, Carter."

"That's okay..." She said but seemed to be thinking about something. And of course he noticed that knowing her better and better by each passing day.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I try." She replied honestly.

"I can live with that." He replied and knew that their current situation was beyond complicated.

They were both painfully aware of the lack of their options. They both knew that their duty was to their country – and planet – and that leaving now in the middle of the war with the System Lords was not an option. They both have given it much thought and the only outcome they came up with was – status quo. There could be nothing changed right now.

"You think you can still work with me, Carter?"

"Yes, Sir." She replied, little surprised.

"I'm going to fix this." He said and gestured between them. They could pretend right then and there that everything was okay but they both knew it wasn't. Too much has happened and they both needed time to adjust.

"I trust you." She said and left the sentence this way on purpose. No Sir, no Colonel, nothing. This was personal and like this it was the only way how to tell him so.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When did you know, Sir?" And he knew what she was referring to.

"Well I knew you would be something else the moment I saw you."

"In the briefing room."

"No, before..." And he smiled at her mischievously.

"You saw me before?"

"Yeah, walking in the corridor in your dress blues, talking to Sergeant Wayne, then he said something and you smiled and I just knew."

She could only grin. This was unexpected. "I don't when exactly I realized that I felt... this. But I had some idea when the Ashrak nearly killed you. Maybe even before but I guess I just told myself to forget about it, that I stood no chance and that it was just a very bad idea anyway."

"I know exactly what you mean, Sir." She told him and he nodded. He could read her – and so he knew she had to go through the same process of accepting the truth as he did.

"It only grew from there and when we were watching the stars on Edora before the first hit... I knew I had it bad for you, Carter." And he was blushing at his admission.

She only smiled at him and before she could think about it twice she leaned closer and rested her head onto his shoulder. He hugged her close and allowed himself this one moment of pure bliss.

"We can do this, right, Sir?" She asked.

"Sure we can, Carter." He assured her and felt her nod against his shoulder.

"I just... need a minute, okay?" She said and he knew what she meant. He needed it too. At least this if nothing more.

Inside the house Daniel lied down onto the couch and fell asleep under Jack's afghan and Teal'c sat down into a corner to meditate. He would get some sleep later. They have seen enough to know their friends would be okay. And that it would be very complicated. It already has been – without them being aware that their feelings were mutual. Now it would be in a different dimension.

Daniel was happy for them although he hated the circumstances. After meeting Jack he wouldn't have guessed that this man would – and could – become his best friend. But he was there with him on Abydos, he saw the change in him. And then when they met again he was pleasantly surprised by the calm and open Jack that came back through the Gate. They had little time to talk back then but soon he realized that his friend had found his peace.

And seeing him grow close to Sam was surprising but very nice. Their first nervous jokes and incidents, the visible attraction, how they could make feel each other absolutely horrible and embarrassed. He was enjoying it by all means. When he realized that their playful banter had grown into something more he grew worried. But after time he knew that it was the real thing for both of them. And so he was sure they would make it through the complications. They only had to talk...

And during the last months the circumstances made them face it – and deal with it.

He fell asleep content and just a little bit drunk. And absolutely full!

Teal'c knew that his friends have developed mutual affection. He saw them grow close. He watched them getting to know each other. And he was there when they hurt each other's feelings and pride. He was there with them the whole time and was proud to be part of the process.

He didn't understand why the Tauri would prevent such strong bond from forming. It was very different on Chulak. But after witnessing their recent behaviour he was getting some ideas about the reasons. He could only admire their strength and devotion. Knowing how deep their feelings went and knowing they most probably would decide to keep them buried so they could fight for their people he could only hope for his sake as well as theirs that the war would be over soon.

After the last weeks his respect for O'Neill met some new levels of understanding. Their friendship was not damaged by his actions – to his own surprise he had to admit that he had not liked it – but he could understand him and had to swallow his pride, knowing his friend did the right thing.

Teal'c would remain there to support them and protect them, to their guard and true friend – as they have always protected and guarded him.

But now he would give them the time they needed to find their balance again – and some comfort they both so desperately needed.

Outside Jack and Sam were sitting next to each other, her head resting on his shoulder, both thermo cups empty. They were silent, enjoying the quiet comfort of each other's presence. Sam was falling asleep and he noticed. And even though he would love to let her sleep in his arms, he knew that it was not an option.

He didn't care much about his career or reputation but he would rather die than to destroy Carter's life – her career, reputation, good name. No, she deserved better.

"Sam..."

"Mu-ru-hmp.." She mumbled incoherently and he chuckled at that. This free and absolutely unguarded side of her was adorable and he knew that it was a privilege to see her like that. It meant she trusted him implicitly.

"Sam, time to go to sleep."

"Okay.." She replied and slowly came back to her senses. Very reluctantly she moved away from him and stood up to stretch.

"I'm on my way, Sir...Sorry."

"No way, Carter. Just get your bag from the truck. You're staying here tonight."

"What? Sir, no, I don't want to cause any more troubles..."

"No arguing, okay? I'm not letting you go anywhere tonight. My spare bedroom is free and I know you have everything you need in your duffel bag."

She nodded. And after a moment she smiled.

"Does that offer include breakfast, Sir?" She teased him.

"That depends..."

"On what?"

"Does that French café on the corner by the library sound good?" He asked knowing very well she loved their breakfast menu.

"I don't know, Sir... I would probably be late to work." She smiled at him.

"You have the day off tomorrow. We all do." He replied and she stopped dead in her tracks.

"How?"

"Hammond's offer. He promised me all the time we need." And he hoped she was following but she wasn't. "Look, when he made me keep you in the dark I told him he was risking this team. I knew something was wrong with you and I knew Daniel wouldn't forgive me just like that... so..."

"So we have tomorrow off."

"We have as many days off as we need, well more what you need before you trust me enough to go through the Gate with me again. A day, week, month, I don't care. We take as long as we need."

And he waited for her to say something. She came closer and her smile was intoxicating.

"As for me, Sir, we can go tomorrow." She told him and he could only grin back at her. This was what he loved about her – one of the many things.

She slowly took her way to the house and saw Daniel on the couch and Teal'c meditating in the corner.

"Well, they might need the day off though." She told the Colonel and he grinned back at her.

"Good night, Sir."

"Night, Sam."

And with smiles on their faces and some new-found peace in their souls they went to sleep.

* * *

 **A/N** – okay so we can stop here – or not. I have at least one more scene on my mind – stars, rooftop, etc. So now let me know ;o))


	8. Details - the epilogue

**AN** Sorry people – I know the delay is horrible. Real life has been pretty busy – and I have lost my muse on this epilogue. I kept on writing the dialogues over and over again and I am still not happy about them. Too sappy I am afraid. Help me out here – how to finish this?

No beta on this one... and I am done with re-reading it, aaaargh. Okay, comments most welcomed.

* * *

 **Epilogue**

 **Details**

Jack O'Neill took a shower, changed his clothes and tried to get some sleep. Well, it didn't work out that well. He couldn't fall asleep. He had his head full of thoughts and images – and his heart was about to burst with excitement. Yes, he was also a tiny little bit scared but it was nothing compared to the rest of what he was feeling.

So, he had the guts to finally tell Sam about his feelings. Well, sort of. But she knew now. And what he couldn't grasp was the fact that she felt the same. That was so unexpected and so exciting. The way her eyes sparkled... damn!

He felt like he was full of everything and yet when he tried to name it he was coming up empty. He couldn't keep from smiling and his hands were trembling... he had to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes and the first thing on his mind was Sam. Well, that was nothing new.

He was like a teenager again, lusting after Joannie Miller. He chuckled at that memory. He was 16 and lying in his bed thinking about her – just like now. But this time it was not just lusting after a pretty girl. No, this was different.

After losing Sarah he wouldn't even dare to hope to feel like this again about someone. But it happened and it brought him joy – among other things. And now, knowing she cared about him just the same, he felt blessed.

He also knew he was in troubles because – and he knew that from the first hand – those frat regs were in place for a reason. But his life was never easy now, was it...?

Jack looked at his alarm clock to check the time. Well, two hours passed and he was not a bit closer to sleeping. So he got up and went to the kitchen to get something to drink. On his was he noticed the light was still on in his spare bedroom. The door wasn't closed entirely. So it seemed Carter wasn't asleep either.

Taking all his chances and not sparing a single thought on it he came to his spare bedroom, knocked softly and opened the door.

The sight took his breath away. There she was, sitting on the bed, wearing just a very large t-shirt, doing something on her computer, smiling, grinning even. He leaned on the door frame and watched her silently, knowing he was smiling as well. Damn she was beautiful, no make-up, her hair wild on her head probably from taking a shower and letting it dry, she had one of her knees bent up and it was a very nice naked knee for sure.

When she heard him she looked up from her laptop and he was sure that he literally had stopped breathing when she smiled at him genuinely.

And neither knew what to say.

"I'm sorry, Sir, did I wake you?"

"Ehm, no, I wasn't sleeping," he replied. She just nodded.

"I can't sleep so..."

"So you're working."

"Actually I'm not." She said and without thinking about it she closed her laptop and got up from the bed to put it back into her bag. She completely missed Jack's expression when her bare legs were open to see.

They've seen each other in underwear in the locker room, sometimes on the missions when they had to change, they've shared the tent for sleeping and on some very hot humid planets that meant wearing close to nothing... but this was something else. Seeing her dressed like that in his spare bedroom made him feel very funny things – all over him.

Sam actually really hadn't been working at all. She turned on the laptop intending to do some work but her brain was preoccupied with something – someone – else and she couldn't focus at all.

Suddenly she was standing in front of him and she seemed like she was waiting for something.

"Sorry, what?"

"Sir, are you all right?" She asked concerned.

"What?" He asked again. Smooth, O'Neill, he thought to himself. But she – to her own surprise – started to smile just when she realized what she had on. And she would never truly understand what made her ask that but something in her just stopped being all that careful around him.

"See something you like?" She asked playfully and her tone brought him out of his reverie. He had to clear his throat and just then it all clicked in his head. She was flirting with him!

"People don't know that about you, but you're evil, Carter." He said instead and she ducked her head – gesture that almost made him cross the threshold and walk inside. But he knew he couldn't. He knew he wouldn't be able to leave.

"I'll let you sleep..." He said and turned around.

"I'm not sleepy." She replied.

"Oh, okay... so would you like to..." And before he could finish she jumped in with excited "yes!".

"You don't even know what I was about to ask you."

"No." And she smiled at him.

"Get dressed..." He said and after a moment smiled back at her and closed the door behind him to let her get dressed.

Women – they would never stop surprising him. Or this one in particular.

Sam knew that after the conversation held in his back yard things would never be the same. But she almost lost herself in it now and it scared her. She didn't know where the borders were or how to play this game. It was new and it was uncharted territory and she was very unsure of herself.

She knew they had limited time so she got dressed and met him in the kitchen. He was just taking some snacks and thermo cups so she helped him out.

To her surprise he walked outside and showed her the ladder up to his roof. She smiled. Of course, the roof. The perfect spot.

They put the supplies down and Jack left again to get a couple of blankets. It was cold that night. Sam used that time to take a look at his telescope. She admired that about him – that man was a soldier to the bone, pilot, warrior – but he also had the side that would never cease to amaze her, he loved art and classical music and he loved science – even though he would always pretend otherwise. But when it came to constellations he knew a lot more that she did.

She heard him back on the roof and he smiled at her, watching her using the telescope. She turned back to him with apologetic smile.

"See something you like?" He asked and was sure that she knew exactly why he had used those exact words. But instead of playful banter or some funny conversation she suddenly seemed to be very unsure. She couldn't look him in the eye.

She sat down on one of the lounge chairs he had there and waited for him to do the same. And as he did she looked at him.

"Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't, Sir."

"So, what's going on?" He asked and hoped she would feel good enough around him to reply to that with more than 'nothing Sir'.

"I liked it." She said and he couldn't find the right answer to that.

"You liked what, Carter?"

"When you... I mean earlier..." She stammered and blushed. Jack had to smile.

"You liked it when you caught me staring at you?" He asked and she confirmed. "Yes."

"And that's bad because...?"

"Sir..." She just said and he took a deep breath. They were both equally bad at this it seemed. After much deliberation he reached over and took her hand in his. She gasped softly at first but then she interlaced her fingers with his.

"I don't really know how to do this, Sam." He confessed. "I haven't felt like this in a very long time..." And she didn't know what to say. It was actually kind of frustrating.

"I still can't believe it's real." She said in the end. And looked at their hands.

"Sam, I don't expect anything from you." He said and it hurt him deep within. She looked at him and their eyes met.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that I totally understand if you find someone you can date and be happy with, someone who can make you smile and feel safe, someone to love you." He said and felt his heart shatter. But he meant it – and she knew that.

"Well... I already have." She answered and knew he would argue. "We spend time together, on the base, on missions, outside work as well. You make me smile and laugh a lot, sometimes in very inappropriate situations by the way." She said and he chuckled. She was probably right about that – and it gave him much satisfaction to know he could do so.

"I know I'm safe with you. Body and soul." She added and took a deep breath. "And about the last part..."

"Sam." He stopped her.

"What? You don't?" She asked and both knew exactly what she had meant.

"I do. But when I tell you that I don't want any regulations standing in our way." He told her and it took her a moment to get the meaning.

"Okay..." She said softly.

"I can't offer you much." He continued. "You might see it as a kind of dating but I can never hold your hand on the street or take you out just you and me... you can never get the real thing with me." He had to take a shaky breath.

She reached over and cupped his cheek in the palm of her hand. She turned his head so he was looking her in the eye.

"What if I can...?" She said and it was someplace between a statement and a question. And it took him a moment to understand.

"You mean... having an affair?" He asked and she nodded.

"No." He said and got up. It made her feel very vulnerable.

"No?"

"No."

"Oh." She said and it cost her a lot not to start crying. Where was this coming from anyway? After a moment of pacing on the roof he walked back to her and sat down opposite to her so he could look at her. And of course he noticed her distress.

"Sam..."

"Don't look at me like this." She didn't let him finish. It took him by surprise.

"Like what?"

"Like you're disappointed in me."

"Disappointed?" He wasn't following her.

"I don't take it well..." She continued not paying attention to his questions. Jack took a deep breath.

"Carter, listen." And she did.

"You think I am disappointed in you for suggesting ... well, an affair?" He asked and she nodded.

"Okay, let me clear something up for you," he told her and there was something in his voice that resembled playfulness she had missed before. "When a woman like you, young, smart, strong and incredibly beautiful suggests something like having an affair with a man like me, it's not a disappointment."

"What is it then?" She asked, voice full of worry.

"Ego boost." He said and seeing her surprised look he smiled at her. And after a moment she smiled back.

"Then why?"

"With you it could never be just an affair. It would be more, at least for me."

"Because of what we feel?" She asked and has just begun to understand. And he suddenly felt a lump in his throat – the 'we' in her question made his heart speed up.

"Yes. And also because when it's just an affair it's just ... "

"Sex?" She supplied sensing his discomfort. Was it really that difficult to talk about this? Well whom was she kidding anyway – of course it was.

"Yes, when you sleep with your Second, it's an affair. And it always gets blown. And when it's out in the open it's always the woman that suffers from it. No matter the ranks."

"Sir..." She said barely holding it together by then. And he just leaned closer so there could be no mistake.

"You're too important for me to let this destroy you. I would take all the blame and do all in my powers to stop them from hurting your reputation and career but we both know it would be pointless. So no matter how much I want it I'm not going to start a full blown affair with you." He said and she closed her eyes and moved so their foreheads were touching.

"I don't know what to say..." Sam confessed as she knew he was right. And after a moment he moved away so he could cup her cheek in the palm of his hand. He caressed her skin and she sighed.

"Me neither." He added and she smiled.

"Can we just watch the stars for a moment?" She asked and he was more than happy to do so.

And with all the courage he could find he sat down into one of the lounge chairs he had there and motioned for her to join him. And so they stole their little moment of privacy up on his roof in each other's arms watching the stars.

Neither could say how much time passed as they were too content to move or to talk. They just enjoyed the company and the comfort it gave them.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"What's going to happen now?" She asked, afraid of the question but she knew she had to.

"I don't know... what do you want to happen?"

"I asked you first."

"And I answered. I mean it, Carter. It's your call." And he was honest. And she knew that – and it warmed her heart.

"Really?"

"Look, when I am your CO it's easy, we already have our way of working together."

"It's not always easy but well..."

"Yeah... well we learn, right? I give the orders, you follow them, well mostly..." He joked and she giggled at that – boy did he love that sound.

"And when you're not my CO?" She asked instead of letting him follow his trail of thought.

"Then you can ask for anything and I will always do my best to give it to you. I can't really say no to you if you haven't noticed..." He told her and it took her a moment to reply to that.

"When I started working with you I had to follow your orders because of your rank. Now I follow your orders because I want to. And because I know you trust me to follow them. I don't always agree with you but in the field you're my CO and I trust you." She said and he waited for the rest – proud of her and of what they managed to achieve.

"I hope to be someone you can trust on personal level as well."

"Okay..."

"I just don't know if I can separate all that."

"And if you can't?" He asked.

"And you can?"

"No." Jack told her honestly. "Not with you and Danny and T. You're more to me than any team ever had been. But that's probably why we work together that well." He offered and she took some time to think about it.

"So we can continue what we do the way we do it?"

"I guess..."

"Then what about this evening?" She asked at moved away so she could look him in the eye.

"What if... " and he took a deep breath. "What if we agree to keep the personal issues out of the way on the missions and then deal with those later? Here."

"On your roof?"

"Well... yeah."

And in a minute she smiled at him.

"So here on your roof it's Jack and Sam." She summarized and he smiled. He knew she was smart.

"But you do realize that we actually never keep the personal issues on Earth when we go through the Gate, right?" Sam asked him.

"I know... and I absolutely hated the past months, Carter. I know I can always trust you to have my back but I think..." And the words got stuck in his throat.

"What, Jack?" Sam asked very unsure of herself. It sounded so strange to call him Jack – and it was beautiful – and scary. But obviously the boost he needed to finish his thought.

"But I think I need more, Sam." He confessed and she smiled at him and moved back to his arms.

"Me too."

"So what? We just try to do our best?"

"Yes, I'd say so..."

And it came as a surprise but it was just what they both needed – knowing they can work together, that they can talk and be together and that they can rely on each other on more than just one level. And sure, there would be times when they wouldn't be able to talk and fix things and they for sure would end up hurting really badly – but knowing they would at least try was a lot.

In the next few hours they talked and there were moments when they didn't. They were content, happy even. They felt peace in their hearts and it was something they both dearly missed in the past months.

When the morning came they knew their time was over. They had to go back to 'Sir' and 'Carter' but after a very long time they had no issues with that.

"Sir, can you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Don't let this be only about my needs and wishes. Please. I know it's difficult for you but please..." And she didn't have to finish. He knew well what she meant by that.

"I promise to try." He said and she could accept that as well as he could accept her willingness to try to tell him should there be something on her mind he should know about.

They had a long road ahead of them but they were on it together.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"There is one thing I would really love right now."

"What is it?" She asked and only then noticing their proximity and his nervousness. "Oh..." she could read him well.

"So why don't you?" And her eyes darter to his lips and back up and his did the same and they both knew that there was a kiss about to happen if they let it. Should they?

"I'm scared." He responded and it was not something she expected.

"Of what?"

"I'm scared that if I get to taste you I..." And he couldn't finish. She smiled at him knowing exactly what he was thinking. But she asked him before to be honest with her and to tell her about his needs and wishes. And he did just that. And she was not about to deny him that. And if this one kiss should be their one and only, then be it.

"I'm right here when you're ready." She said in the end and waited for him to do something.

"Good to know." He replied and smiled her. He drew her into his arms for one more hug and kissed her temple and her forehead but didn't dare to kiss her on the lips.

And so they made their way down to the kitchen and cleaned up just as the guys were getting up. Teal'c was okay, Daniel was sporting a bit of a headache but nothing coffee and breakfast wouldn't cure.

The atmosphere was nice and friendly. Neither got back to the previous evening and to all the arising questions. They just moved on to live another day.

"I'm hungry." Daniel said.

"Take a shower, DanielJackson." Teal'c replied and at Daniel's confused expression Sam clarified: "Take a shower so we can go have breakfast..." And in a few seconds his brain seemed to take in the information and so with a grunt he walked to the bathroom to take a shower.

Teal'c went outside to stretch – as he was used to. And so Jack and Sam stayed alone and this time it was not awkward at all. They were content. They knew things weren't perfect between them but they started the healing process yesterday and that was good.

They took one car to get there and after arriving they were greeted by Janet and Cassie already waiting for them. Sam looked at Jack with questioning look.

"What... I thought it would be nice." He told her and she smiled at him.

"It is."

"See? I have good ideas from time to time." Jack said. Sam grinned at him and together they walked inside.

Janet was surprised to get the call from the Colonel but she was happy to come. And seeing those four people so comfortable around each other made her heart swell with pride. Then she noticed the glow on Sam's face and the way the Colonel was smiling.

So when she got the chance to speak with Sam in private she told her: "I think we need to plan a girl's night out." She said and Sam hat to bite her lip.

"Why?"

"Because I need to know everything."

"Everything?"

"Come on, I need details!" Janet told her and both smiled – the way only women can with each other over shared secret. It was so nice to have friends. Sam agreed to meet her although she knew they wouldn't really talk about it. Janet knew Sam wouldn't share such personal things with her - no when it concerned the Colonel. But they could talk anyway.

Sam looked back to where the Colonel was sitting with Cassie, grinning at her, eating breakfast. Yes, she needed this. Just this.


End file.
